Please excuse the dilatory nature of this post. I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth and forgone all custom of exercise (sleeping for 20 hours a day instead of my usual 18). Is it that I lack ambition? Yes. Until now, that is.
Incidentally, I had been preparing myself for auditions in a local production of Hamlet. However, I was much chagrined to find out that there was little interest in the idea of casting a feline for the lead role. I’d rather not reveal all the undignified details, but it’s clear we have a long road ahead for species equality.
Anyway, this cloud of apathy has now been lifted by the sudden appearance of something shiny.
Over the years, I have noticed that one ritual the humans have is the act of gift giving (mostly from the male to the female). Shortly after we first moved in with the male, he gave her a diamond pendant. The sparkles caught my eye one day and down the drain it went. A few years later, another diamond ornament came along. I’ll never tell what I did with that one. (meowhahaha)
A mattress of my own.
This was followed by even more serious and saccharine signs of commitment. I should have been suspicious when the male brought home a new bed. This must be some odd rite of passage between human couples. At first I kept my temper in check, as I assumed the old mattress would be mine. I was even going to make an exception to my no-hand-me-downs rule, but a doughy, vintage-looking man came by one evening and took away my new bed! Curséd humans!
The bed is too solid for me to eat, hide, or push down the drain, but its size and lack of shine worry me not, for I am convinced that it’s the mesmerizing sparkle and shine of jewelry that lead the female into a state of constant distraction. After a shiny gift, she is unable to focus on her work, constantly forgets where she leaves things, and most importantly FORGETS TO FEED THE CAT.
Yes, there is a direct correlation between my food supply and her sparkly jewelry. Interestingly enough it also turns out that there is a direct correlation between disappearing jewelry and contemptuous looks aimed at yours truly.
I see the female is now sporting a shiny, new diamond on her spindly finger. It’s been a week since the arrival of this ring. I’m surprised I haven’t starved to death! When I try to wake her up in the morning to fill my empty food dish, she mistakes me stepping on her head as affection! This displeases me greatly, and I shall now make it my sole purpose in life to rid the female of her new distraction. Mark my words, dear reader – from this time forth, my thoughts be sparkly or nothing worth!
In other news, the female gifted herself a new coffee maker which means…
a new box!!!
Alfred de Pella Books Said:
on November 29, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Jeeves, even you might find it hard to chew the finger off. Otherwise I don’t think you get a chance at it.
Jeeves Said:
on November 30, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Yes, I think the female is on to me. I my need to postpone my machinations.
Karen Jo Said:
on December 25, 2010 at 2:44 am
Good luck on your endeavors. Merry Christmas!
Karen Jo and Herman