She silently congratulates herself for not completing the next step directly into the brownish goo, while not-so-silently, she lets a few verbal assaults fly in my direction after spotting me relaxing from my viewing platform on top the of fridge.

The female then walks confidently around the offending mixture on the floor and heads to the cupboard for cleaning supplies when BAM! MORE CAT BARF! As the cold chunky wetness creeps into her toes, she spots a third floor spot covered in YET MORE CAT BARF! This leads us to the CAT BARF RULE OF 3. It’s been thought to increase satisfaction and humor in writing and performing.

I thought it was time to shed some light into the CAT BARF RULE OF 3. Many humans living with cats wonder why “their” cat is vomiting “all over the place.” Really, it’s when your cat is barfing in only ONE place that you want to be concerned.

I like to spread out the second and third barf spots when I’m feeling unwell, otherwise I’d be vomiting on top of vomit. That would just be disgusting.

Another popular question among humans: “Why is my cat barfing in the first place?”

Usually it’s to express dissatisfaction or disgust with something. We have very delicate tastes. Perhaps the food we are barfing is not up to par or maybe it’s time maid service cleaned out the toilet box. Maybe those flower print shoes you are putting together with your “summer look” just isn’t cutting it. Have you noticed a correlation between cat barf and your clog usage?

This is like ipecac for cats.

Note: If your cat is vomiting everyday or what seems like an excessive amount, this could be a serious health concern that may require a trip to the doctor. “Food issues” and “the constant bombardment of skinny photoshop cats in the media” can seriously affect the mental well-being of a cat. I’m sure there is a therapist in the area that would be happy to meet with your cat to discuss these concerns.

Now, onward to summer! Open-window weather has begun which means the much anticipated, great bug-hunting season

of 2011 is here! Bring on the bugs!

This weekend marks the gorgeous pinnacle for all-windows-open season. I woke up this morning, and right after my morning breakfast and nap was over, I rushed about to see what kind of bug garnish I could expect on my plate today. Judging from the buzz in the air, I set my goal at 2 wormy things, 3 spiders, and 1 fly!

I could have aimed higher on my spider quotas, as spiders are plentiful in human dwellings, but I do like to give the female a chance to find a few herself. I know how she loves them. Why, just the other day, I was taking my afternoon rest on the back of the sofa as she was sprawled out on the lower cushions calmly reading her book (back on the Proust I see).

She was deeply absorbed in her little story book, when the real world delivered her a little surprise. Her expression changed to that classic I-have-an-itch monkey face, and just before her arm could reach the offending area, her eyes caught sight of a Class 2 spider tickling it’s way up her leg. These events are always highly entertaining for the both of us. What kind of roommate would I be were I to deprive her of an entire spider-finding season?

Now, back to today’s hunt. Things started out splendidly! By the time I reached my mid-morning nap, I’d already caught my wormy things (which I threw up on the rug, in following with the traditions of the great feline bug-hunters) and was making good progress on my fly capture. A fly is a tricky prey which draws heavily on a cat’s training in the art of flying object capture. The zen of processual fly hunting has been passed down through the generations of online cats. In order to catch a fly, you must study it’s patterns and learn, not just where it is, but where it is going.

By the time afternoon had come around, I was ready to make my move. I positioned myself on the edge of the couch, prepared to intersect my prey’s flight plan. As I heard the buzzing near, I leapt into the air in what was intended to be a triple salchow mid-air pounce. The maneuver did not go well. I could hear the female laughing from the other side of the room. Of course, I played it cool, acting like that was exactly what I intended to do. I gave my fur a quick cleaning and wondered over to the sofa to reflect on my mistakes and regain my calm.

I realize now that I’ve grown rather out of shape these past few years. It hasn’t made a difference to my lifestyle until now. Various humans have pointed out my weight issues, but I had just seen myself as slightly big-boned.

Portrait of an artist as a young cat. Oh, how things have changed.

Me, today, reflecting on the bug hunt.

This is the breaking point, my friends. I have decided that the time has come for me to lose this extra weight. This may not be easy, living the stressful surroundings I do (newlyweds, yeck!), but I am determined, by next bug hunting season, to lose 4 pounds!

It appears as though a feline homeless shelter in NYC has announced its FIRST same-sex marriage. Congrats to the couple…but seriously, amongst cats this doesn’t even qualify as news.

Human politics is a fickle and insanity-mongering world, where marriage is allowed one day and taken away the next. No thanks, humans. Keep your marriages, your domestic P’s, and your sordid politics to yourself. We felines may have a few crackpots and zealots among us, but they live in the wild, not on cable TV.

I recall one day a few years back when I was “outted” on Facebook by a “concerned” human. Did my feline friends abandon me or try to “save” me? No. THAT would have been ridiculous. In fact, there was no comment made whatsoever. We cats may have a mean streak, but we judge each human based on their grooming skills and how much they feed us, not on what they do behind closed door (And to all humans: Please do close the doors. Cats don’t want to see that.)

Even now, the recognition of a feline marriage by humans is being done to RAISE AWARENESS for something or other. Just another example of the contaminated and diluted motives behind human reasoning!

Regardless, this story did tug on my furry, little heatstrings, so as I am feeling charitable I swiped the female’s credit card to make a small donation. Best of luck, Bruno & Solomon!

Incidentally, I had been preparing myself for auditions in a local production of Hamlet. However, I was much chagrined to find out that there was little interest in the idea of casting a feline for the lead role. I’d rather not reveal all the undignified details, but it’s clear we have a long road ahead for species equality.

Anyway, this cloud of apathy has now been lifted by the sudden appearance of something shiny.

Over the years, I have noticed that one ritual the humans have is the act of gift giving (mostly from the male to the female). Shortly after we first moved in with the male, he gave her a diamond pendant. The sparkles caught my eye one day and down the drain it went. A few years later, another diamond ornament came along. I’ll never tell what I did with that one. (meowhahaha)

A mattress of my own.

This was followed by even more serious and saccharine signs of commitment. I should have been suspicious when the male brought home a new bed. This must be some odd rite of passage between human couples. At first I kept my temper in check, as I assumed the old mattress would be mine. I was even going to make an exception to my no-hand-me-downs rule, but a doughy, vintage-looking man came by one evening and took away my new bed! Curséd humans!

The bed is too solid for me to eat, hide, or push down the drain, but its size and lack of shine worry me not, for I am convinced that it’s the mesmerizing sparkle and shine of jewelry that lead the female into a state of constant distraction. After a shiny gift, she is unable to focus on her work, constantly forgets where she leaves things, and most importantly FORGETS TO FEED THE CAT.

Yes, there is a direct correlation between my food supply and her sparkly jewelry. Interestingly enough it also turns out that there is a direct correlation between disappearing jewelry and contemptuous looks aimed at yours truly.

I see the female is now sporting a shiny, new diamond on her spindly finger. It’s been a week since the arrival of this ring. I’m surprised I haven’t starved to death! When I try to wake her up in the morning to fill my empty food dish, she mistakes me stepping on her head as affection!  This displeases me greatly, and I shall now make it my sole purpose in life to rid the female of her new distraction. Mark my words, dear reader – from this time forth, my thoughts be sparkly or nothing worth!

In other news, the female gifted herself a new coffee maker which means…

a new box!!!

Joining Facebook is a voluntary action, just as posting status updates and declaring interests via facebook are completely voluntary. Agreeing to be in a local magazine is also voluntary, and while the female will agree to do it and then decide she doesn’t want to be the “crazy cat lady,” I will not back down from my decision for shameless self-promotion (even if they picture makes me look fat).

If you really hate Facebook and everything it stands for, by all means quit. If you just hate that all of your Facebook friends can see that you love Hannah Montana, you don’t actually need to add that to your Facebook profile. You can delete it. You can have the starkest page in the world with a picture of your favorite plant in place of you to represent your minimalist ways.

The problem isn’t that people are concerned with their privacy, but that they are concerned with looking concerned about caring about their privacy. Cats may ham it up with the rest of humans, but we don’t feel the need for such modest affectations. It’s like the crazy fat lady on Jerry Springer throwing a chair and declaring herself a “no drama” sort of girl. You love the drama, crazy fat lady! Why hide it?

I think I do have a solution for humans though when it comes to preserving their precious modesty. Since true modesty is a shame, every human could appoint someone else to promote themselves. I’ve made a graphic to help explain my idea to your ape brains.

Preserving modesty using the Human Triangle Cheerleading System

Bob would be Sally’s cheerleader, Sally would be Fred’s cheerleader and Fred would be Bob’s cheerleader. That way it all balances out. It’s like having your own agent, but you don’t need to pay anyone because the labor game is all equal.

Anyway, when it comes to privacy concerns, most importantly, DO NOT PANIC. This is not Orwell’s 1984. Firstly, because most privacy “violations” are voluntary. And secondly, if there is a camera in the corner, it probably doesn’t care about you. Most humans, especially the online ones, are far more concerned about bringing attention to themselves than giving attention to others.

The only valid privacy concern I’ve heard yet concerns identity theft. I’m opposed to someone stealing my financials, but if they’d like to steal bits of my personality, well then, I would be flattered.

That’s all I have for today. Sorry if my brain is a little scattered with all my new fame and glory. I mentioned that I’m famous now, right?

Shark Week is pretty much an international weeklong holiday to felines.

I’ve been soaking in the shark programming with all the monomaniacal tenacity of a Captain Ahab who can only view his fishemy through the television screen.

To cap off the excitement of Shark Week, I invited all my Facebook friends to Shark Party 2010, the first annual shark party.

I’m not much of a party planner, but the roommates agreed to help with some of the preparations. I learned an important lesson for this: Never trust a human with party foods.

I was planning on providing guests with a fully stocked fish tank, where people could just serve themselves, but the female insisted on only providing fish-shaped food instead. I’m sure the guests were all wildly disappointed, even though they were too nice to mention the lack of live refreshments.

The male managed to pull something acceptable together after given the duties of beverage preparation. The fish tank was used for shark punch, and although the ratios were not quite to my taste (1 part vodka: 2 parts diabetes), it was a very pretty sight.

Nobody minded a little fur in the shark punch tank.

Sometimes I must turn away for a moment. It's just so beautiful.

Well, I finally did it. The inevitable event has a occurred. Today I purchased my first iPad.

I’d like to present you with a completely fair and unbiased review of my new purchase, but I can’t. I’m happy to admit my limitations in this matter. Unlike most humans, I’d hate to delude myself into thinking I can be clear-minded when I am simply moonstruck my the sweet glow of my new Apple product.

It’s imbued with a fulgent technological beauty. When you touch it, it’s like being pulled into a great masterpiece of art, fully emersed within the depth of the frame, being swept away by the brushstrokes. The display is simplicity at it’s finest, perfectly in tune to the flowing feng shui underbelly of the universe.

A photoshop depiction of the iPad experience.

I am an Apple addict, or applee, as we cats call them. Apple can do no wrong and I do believe that if Apple openly stated their plans to take over the world, I would offer the full and unconditional support of my army of ninja cats without hesitation.

PROS:

• cat friendly operating system, simple & convenient
• an easy to use keyboard with no fur-sticking troubles
• a screen that appears to be impervious to scratches
• research apps to appease my random curiosities (googling curiosities is far safer than learning on the streets)
• a plethora of great apps from nutrition to music (cat piano!)

Ninja cat army in training.

I’m not the first cat fan and I certainly won’t be the last. With over 3 million iPads sold and approximately 1 billion cats in the world, that means more feline applees wanting than having an iPad of their own. I’m thinking of starting up a One iPad per Every Thousand Cats charity group. (I’d do 1 ipad per cat, but let’s be realistic.)

In conclusion, the iPad is perfect for cats of all ages, and I think the humans will like it too.

The wave bed produces great peace of mind.

When taking on my professional writing gig at Mispeled, I was given some expert advice from our dear site administrator who is obviously well-acquainted with my blogging style and felt the need to share some of his opinions as to the quality and execution of my topics.

I was informed that I should write “good stuff,” not “boring stuff.” This so-called “boring stuff” dealt mostly with my daily routine and deviations from this routine, usually caused by my bipedal roommates. The humans are a fickle and unpredictable species, and often reek utter chaos over my daily habits. The site admin specifically told me not to write about the human’s vacations and how I spent my days during this time, as that was just dull filler.

Experiencing the c-nip tunnel of delight.

Well, I hate to burst the soppy delusions of any primate brains reading this, but our lives mostly are filler and to tell yourself otherwise can only be categorized as a special kind of denial. The human tenacity for denial is an incredible thing.

Anyway, If there is one thing I loathe, it’s a writer who ignores all criticism and advice from the outside world. So taking the site administrator’s advice into consideration, I wisely move forward with my new post: Human Vacations and My Daily Routine.

From my experience with humans, they are constantly dreaming about far off adventures to exotic countries or talking about getting away on a camping trip surrounded by nature. I find both of these schemes to be highly overrated. The idea of nature is all well and good, but it’s a bit too idealized for my realistic feline tastes. Nature is dirty and uncooperative and often covered with too many bugs, both of the flying and crawling kind. Now don’t mistake me here, because I do love the spontaneous apartment bug hunt, but in nature there are just too many bugs to really have an impact on the surroundings. When trying to catch a fly outdoors, you’ll be harassed by 10 of it’s buddies in the process and the fly will eventually be lost in the excessive expanse of nature before you can even get your paws on it. It’s insanity!

Lame human vacation postcard picture.

Plus, traveling in general, is a hassle. I watch the humans stress on the preparation of a trip, only to come back days later completely exhausted and smelling funny. So what is the point of this?

I’m pretty sure humans don’t need to remove themselves from a physical location in order to mentally check out. I see them doing it all the time. I won’t even get into how many pounds of premium tuna can be purchased with the amount needed to buy a plane ticket. (37)

Now let’s take a look at my daily routine. Even on a fairly habitual day, there are great nuances within the familiar that makes things new and exciting. Where are these variances found, you ask? In the freshness of my beverage, the occasional hairball, a glorious sunbath at the height of the day, an unprovoked attack on a sleeping human, the leftovers sitting on the table, and even a new box!

Yes, my names is Jeeves G. Fuzzenstein and I am a tourist in my 1000 feet of living space.

A new box!

I’m hoping to bounce back soon. I’ve spent the majority of the day laying in my wave bed. The wave bed is usually great for generating ideas because of it’s ergonomic design. But the male keeps moving me and my bed around the apartment and covering me with dishtowels.

This is not conducive to my equanimity.

You may be fearing that with all my time spent between sleeping and posting on this other blog, I will have no time to update this site. Don’t panic though, dear readers. I will continue to keep my Cat: A Log updated, but mostly with leftover scrapes from the other site, of course. As you can see with this first scrape, my FAQ posted as an introduction on Mispeled.net.

I thought I’d make a FAQ just to clarify a few things and introduce myself to those of you who have not heard the mildy-famous name of Jeeves G. Fuzzenstein.

1. Why would a clever and attractive cat want to waste time in the cyber company of humans?

As an anthropologist, the study of humans has become a passionate pursuit of mine periodically. As an insider, I will have a more comprehensive understanding of human interactions and interspecies-cyberelations.

2. Will this hurt your well established credibility as a writer?

It’s about being true to oneself. Possibly at first, there will be a fair share of skeptics and naysayers. But I think, in time, they will see my feline standards have not slipped in the company of humans. I did have some hesitations at first due to the name, Mispeled, which is obviously misspelled. This may not mean much to humans, but a credible cat has to be cautious not to fall into the stereotype of a grammatically erroneous and misspelling moron. In the end, I chalked it up to the human love of irony and decided the impact on myself would be nil.

3. What kind of contributions can we expect from a cat?

Only the keenest of word groupings will slip from my typing paws. You can expect well-rounded and researched articles on interspecies relations, litter reviews, culinary tidbits, the occasional epiphany, gardening tips, self defense, self offense, art reviews, and wherever else my lofty ambitions and possible follow-through take me.

Questions? Comments?