Archive for July, 2009

Cat Toilet Review

I would like to make a recommendation for all cats that have chosen the city life. The female has recently purchased a toilet box that is simply the human’s bellybutton of feline waste management. At first she was going to buy for me a high-tech fancy device that would do the scooping for her, but her Dutchness is obviously some kind of blocking device when it comes to spending, quite possibly an electric shock delivered to her core when she comes close to purchasing an expensive item. In the end, she went with something in the lower price range.

I scoffed at her frugality, but my initial scoff has proved unfounded. The toilet box she settled on is the Omega Paw Roll’n Clean Litter Box in a tasteful green and beige colour. Instead of scooping, the female rolls the box and it cleans itself. It’s a brilliant concept. Obviously humans don’t care for scooping, but they take great pleasure in rolling things. It doesn’t matter what kind of toilet box I have as long as its clean. But I do need to be careful, as I see the male forming ideas in his head of rolling the box with me in it.

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Wheels

The female appears to have procured a new toy. She came in today and glided across the floor like a mouse thrown across a pool of ice. I thought it odd and noted the wheels stuck to the bottoms of her clunky, plastic shoes. What odd contraptions the humans have come up with to amuse themselves. She circled the apartment a few times before I abruptly cut her off. It was a daring move on my part, but I assumed she would know how to stop. However, my assumption was proven wrong. The wheeled device was either lacking a braking mechanism or the female was lacking the knowledge to control the braking mechanism. Either way, it was an event I would like to repeat in the future.

On the Human Musical Condition

Both the male and the female have an obsession with “singing,” for lack of a better word. When alone, the female will often burst into song, declaring herself to be a “Rocketman” or “Under Pressure” or that she is an “Extraordinary Machine.” The male however chooses a different approach by inserting my name into already existing songs such as “taking care of jeevesness,” “ba-ba-ba bennie and the jeeves,” or “oh, sweet jeeves o’mine.” Like most cats (except for the sellouts) I believe singing is for the philistines.

When they are home together, it’s more of a purposeful cacophony of painful notes. I think they might be trying to figure out who can create the most obnoxious sound in the world. Or it could be that if one is being annoying, the other human has to join, in order to avoid being annoyed. Better to be the vexer, than the vexee? In the steady flow of my thought processes, I may have just discovered the whole cause of the current human condition! A spiral effect of irritating and disturbing behavior! Could this be how they spend their days interacting with other humans, trying to one-up their acquaintances with irksome behaviors?

Brush with the mini-human

A most alarming visitor came by yesterday as I was bathing in a luxurious stripe of sunlight on the female’s desk. The female brought in four visitors. I recognized and welcomed the first two, an older lady and gentleman, as they had previously bestowed upon me my soft rug and patch of cat grass. Another female appeared and I thought that was the last of them. I prefer one visitor at a time but if they are the type who brings gifts in my honor, I could graciously accept their arrival. I looked to see what gifts they had brought with them this time, perhaps some boots for my sore paws or a tasty fish to nibble on. Imagine my bemusement when I took notice of a tiny-sized human being held in the lady’s arms. What kind of gift is this?! Was this miniature human some sort of housemaid or personal attendant they were bringing to me? But no, I decided to keep my distance and stay in the safe light above until I could get a clear read on the situation. I heard a bag open and the smell of treats wafted across the loft. This was enough to bring me forward with curiosity (a downfall of mine). The small, oddly proportioned human didn’t seem to do much at first. Then she made her move. I quickly realized this must have been some sort of trap. I could see the madcap look in her eyes. This was not a human who had come to brush my posh coat of black and white. This was a fur-puller.

I stepped back and gave a warning hiss, to which I heard laughter in reply. She made a startling movement towards me. Much to my amazement, the tiny human was a quadruped! She came forward at a rapid speed. I took off unsure of whether she could jump or not. What variation of human is this? I’m happy to say my fur was not mussed about by this tiny human and after studying her movements, I should be more prepared if we meet again. A cat cannot relax in this mad, mad world.

Interior Decorator?

This place is starting to grow on me. I spent the majority of today in the window reflecting. I have quite a lovely reflection. The windows are very exciting. They are without screens and if I can figure out a way to open them further, or loss 5 lbs in 1 day, I could maneuver my way out onto the ledge. The fire department is only a block away and I’d like to test their reaction time to the whole cat-on-a-ledge scenario.

We did have one visitor today. I believe him to be their close, personal interior decorator, also known as Notaniska. His interest in room design and gay fashion were unmistakable. This place still needs some work so I think I’ll be seeing him again shortly.

Bathtime Horror

A couple times a week, it has become a female ritual to lay in her small pool of warm water, bacteria, and sloth. Oftentimes a glass of wine is involved. This sacred ritual is usually done behind closed doors, but tonight I noticed a door partly ajar and thought it a part of my natural anthropological curiousity to investigate.

Many things were misjudged in this investigation: the width of the pool’s rim, my expanded girth, and most importantly, the slipperiness factor. Still I believe I would have been fine, had she not increased the volume of water in the pool while I was present. Was this a part of the ritual or was she trying to cause a panic. I didn’t mind at first and drew closer to the small waterfall. The heat, however, gave me a fright and I tried to step back and turn around.

Then, and this is very out of character from my usual calm, I panicked! Before I knew what was happening my back legs were in the ritual pool with her. The unsuspected depth made me squirm around even more until I eventually managed to land on the rug outside. I froze in total horror over what had just happened, then darted out of that room as fast as I could.

I have since had time to regain my calm and dry out in the middle of the human-sized bed. While looking back at the incident, what terrifies me most is that I thought I heard a laugh, or perhaps more of a cackle, when taking my leave of the pool room. Oh, the infelinity!

Yummy Cat Grass

I was doing a little research online in want of cat grass information when I stumbled across blogs about cats. It turns out that some cats have their own human papparrazi that follows them around. Obsessive cat people have always frightened me. I did come across an engaging website that others might find equally exciting.

Dealing with the Unstable

It didn’t take long for another cord to magically reappear. Perhaps the female had another one all along. This one looks equally chewy. Another man has appeared with dark shaggy hair and glasses. I believe him to be the doppelganger of someone I’ve seen in the past, or vice versa. The male and him are discussing some sort of journey or battle in a strange town. It is possible that this shaggy stranger is dangerously unstable and that the male is playing along with him for the sake of his own safety. Could it be hospitality or fear for one’s life? The male has given him his chair and prepared him a beverage. Its always a good idea to keep a lunatic happy. Well played, sir.

Loss of power

I must make this brief. Things have grown rather tense in the loft. Earlier this afternoon I had lost track of myself as I nibbled through a tasty cord. Much to my chagrin, I noticed after a slight shock that I had just nibbled my way through the power cord connecting to the female’s laptop. I have been avoiding chewing on power cords recently but I suppose old habits die hard or whatever it is they say about old habits. The female has been giving me hostile looks, but has done nothing more to show disapproval. She seems to underestimate my intelligence. If a dog or human makes a mistake, its best to rub their noses in it right away so they associate the mistake with the punishment. My agile brain does not need such instant reprimand for me to understand what should and shouldn’t be done. I do wish I had chosen a different cord to satisfy my munchies. Hopefully a new cord will appear soon. I’m sure the female will understand that I had to lose her computer’s last vestiges of power to update my blog.

Parfait

I snuck a bite of the female’s parfait today while she wasn’t looking. Yogurt, fruit, and granola. What a brilliant combination! She didn’t seem to mind when she found some fur in it. It’s really her own fault for leaving a parfait unattended.

Things have settled down this weekend. The bed is back in its proper place, however the living room arrangements don’t quite align with my feng shui. I suppose I can tolerate it for now.
I spent the afternoon resting on the couch. The female sat at her desk listening to the male explain an idea. I could tell he had an exciting idea by his pacing about and making apelike arm motions for illustration. I hope it deals with procuring more tuna. There has been a major shortage in the tuna supply as of late.

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