It would appear that some egregious accusations have been laid at my twittering paws and I feel I must defend myself and all my feline kin against these dubious human fabrications.
The article, 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors with Shockingly Evil Explanations, was tweet-linked to me by an epic pan-galactic trollop who wanted to know the truth of the matter. I will address each “explanation” separately.
#6. Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human
The first offense I find to be the most outrageous. It’s MANipulation, not CATipulation, for a reason. I won’t try to hide the fact that our meows are nothing like the meaningless, one-size-fits-all bark of a dog! Oh, I’m so sorry if our meows are actually communicating something! Should I meow only to be cute? How selfish and unforgiving of me! I’d hate to interrupt the humans precious time to remind them that I need food to survive, and that I too, am a sentient being with feelings and an appetite!
The corrupted little “baby” humans are the real fur-pulling menace of society! Obviously this is understood, or the article wouldn’t fault us for communicating in a way that resembles evil “baby” tactics.
#5. Leaving Their Poop Uncovered As An Insult
I’m not even going to dignify this with a response. What kind of cats did they survey for this article anyway?
#4. Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership
What’s wrong with that? Humans like to feel protected. How often do I see the humans do the same thing to each other? I never hear any complaints about that.
#3. Imitating Snakes to Intimidate You
They have this one all wrong. Yes, we look very frightening when we “hiss” at someone, but its backwards. Snakes copied that move from us.
#2. Obsessively Getting Rid of the Stench of Humans
Yeah, that’s right. You stink! This makes me think of a common human behavior – DENIAL!
#1. Bringing Home Dead Animals to Show You Suck at Hunting
Another ridiculous qualm. Why would I care if a human is a poor hunter? Such a disparagingly remark they use: “Cats love murder.” They are trying to paint as cruel and heartless creatures. Yes, like to hunt “just for kicks.” At least Fluffy won’t stuff the carcass when he’s done and hang it on the wall for all posterity to see, like Fleshy over there.
So the next time the photoshoping storytellers of cracked.com want to fault cats for our cruel behaviors, maybe they should take a look in the mirror. It is there that the real newsworthy behaviors of deceitful malice, greed, and vanity can be found.
Cat: A Log 
Adam Said:
on December 8, 2009 at 9:44 pm
You’re a twat.
Jeeves Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 12:15 am
The male warned me against trollers like you. He said not to reply.
More of a dog person Said:
on December 8, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Do you have any actual evidence to support your rebuttals or is everything wrong because you say it is?
Jeeves Said:
on December 8, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Both. I’m sorry, did I forgot to add my bibliography? I thought myself qualified to comment on feline behavior, but perhaps the unbiased view of a dog person could better explain.
Meagan Said:
on December 8, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Every article on Cracked is a joke. You really don’t need to get offended by a comedy website using actual scientific facts to make a joke.
Jeeves Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 12:11 am
Good gracious! The whole thing was a joke?! I think that just offends me more.
Choclatastic Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 1:25 am
Cracked doesn’t actually think cats are evil, but portraying such cute cuddly creatures as evil was kind of.. the joke.
Fact based comedy articles is what Cracked does, it’s hardly anything to get offended about.
punkisanoob Said:
on December 10, 2009 at 2:03 pm
And so is this blog, or did you not notice it was written by a cat?
Truth Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 1:11 am
Really the only one with any sort of possible validity behind it is your response to number one. Anything else is kind of just BS you spout in lieu of an actual coherent response.
Also, the article on cracked had scientific sources for absolutely every claim they made. In other words, science has proven them correct. Your support? You have little to no life, so you go around masquerading as a cat on a blog nobody looks at. Aaaand, that’s pretty much it.
Let’s take them one by one. Which actually brings me to another point. Your complete fail of numbering.
#6
Where is your actual argument against it here? Cats mimic human babies in order to get the things they need to survive. How is that “outrageous”? It sounds to me like a finely tuned evolutionary advantage.
#5
You don’t dignify it with a response? I’m sure it’s because you can’t think one up. Cats always bury their poop as an evolutionary remnant. If they DON’T do it, it’s for a reason. The reason is to offend somebody. It makes logical sense. But you’re not one for logic, are you? I almost forgot I’m talking to a person who pretends to be a cat.
#4
Territory marking is a common occurrence in cats, which makes this make perfect sense. If a cat thinks them rubbing their face on my leg makes me feel safe at all whatsoever, then they’re idiots anyways. And yes, when WAS the last time you saw a human rub their face over another human’s shins?
#3
Snakes came first. Evolution. Cats saw something scary that everybody was afraid of, and got the idea to copy it. It makes sense, and it works perfectly. This one is just you being purposely stupid though, so I don’t think it even dignified a proper response in the first place.
#2
So then you admit they’re right? Kind of reminds me of how we vacuum the cat’s stench off of our houses on a regular basis. And how we have to bathe them ourselves, because of the eventual overwhelming stench.
#1
Fluffy won’t stuff the carcass and hang it on the wall, but he will drag the bloody entrails all over the house, and then leave it in the middle of the living room floor.
And how can you say cat’s don’t love killing? They kill for no reason. They find it fun. If they love fun, then they love killing. It’s logic in itself. You say so yourself, they hunt “just for kicks”. Aka: cats love killing. Which means that cats love murder.
When I want a good time I don’t go outside and kill the first gullible thing I see. I go do normal things like guitar or television. NORMAL things, unlike masquerading on the internet as a cat.
Jeeves Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 9:14 am
Masquerading as cat, sir!? That would make me ridiculous.
6. Yes, exactly. My communication skills are a finely tuned evolutionary advantage, not baby imitation.
5. Perhaps I wasn’t clear on this one. I, like most humans I know, poop discretely. I won’t deny that. I don’t associate with indiscrete poopers.
4. I don’t deny that I am declaring ownership. I’m saying, it’s a common behavior in humans and cats. Obviously humans rub other parts together as they are relatively the same height to each other.
3. Thank you for your dignified and proper response here. Perhaps we can compromise here and say both snakes and cats developed their hissing skills separately.
2. I didn’t say the whole article was wrong.
1. I’m sure you lead a perfectly normal life of guitar, television, and replying to cats on the internet. Would you say a human who hunts animals is a murderer? Only if a human hunted other humans would I consider him a murderer. And only if I hunted other cats would I consider myself a murderer. As it is, I’m more of an indoor cat.
punkisanoob Said:
on December 10, 2009 at 2:04 pm
you got trolled, bro
Wakawakawaka Said:
on December 15, 2009 at 4:07 pm
“Also, the article on cracked had scientific sources for absolutely every claim they made. In other words, science has proven them correct. Your support? You have little to no life, so you go around masquerading as a cat on a blog nobody looks at. Aaaand, that’s pretty much it.”
This coming from someone who decided to piss away the time it took to write out their lengthy response to the musing of a cat. Really sir you should be ashamed. I know first hand the quality and caliber of this cat and she is among the finest of people. Truly she is. In fact I am going to see about getting her the first noble prize ever awarded to a feline for her masterful insights into human psychology. Why Jeeves is nothing more than the great Jane Goodall of cats with he cohabitation and in depth examination of human nature and psychology. Props to you Master Jeeves. Props to you good cat.
Jeeves Said:
on December 15, 2009 at 4:54 pm
A Nobel Prize! Oh my, I feel I’ve done so little to deserve such an award. I would be truly surprised and humbled. And let me just say, that I would accept this award as a call to action to further advance my research into the human mind and to bring earth’s species closer together. Thank you, Wakawakawaka.
SamuraiChicken Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 2:44 am
Pretty amusing. Its funny that people actually take responses from a cat seriously. You’re surprisingly well-spoken… er, written, for a feline. Not like those lolcats.
Jeeves Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 8:49 am
Thank you, Samurai Chicken. You sound delicious.
Charli Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 3:31 am
Seriously, I should write an entire blog that debunks that one Onion report, ya know, the one about the Obama zombies, and how human rights organizations are calling for their humane euthanasia?! As somebody already said, cracked.com is a comedy website (like the Onion, who specializes in political satire.) Dont take mock stories from the internet so personally or seriously, or you will just confirm that cat owners are the crazies of the pet ownership world, and that dog owners are the superior =]
Jeeves Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 9:24 am
There is such a thing as an offensive joke, which is why I use my serious blog to speak out against such offenses. I have to agree though. Some of those cat “owners” are perfectly insane.
Debbie D. Said:
on December 9, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I love this response! Now this person really understands the feline world! I agree with everything they say. lol
Humans should only be so lucky to have a feline superior companion…they are the best creatures on this earth. Humans are very sub par.
punkisanoob Said:
on December 10, 2009 at 2:05 pm
A+ will read again. also i want to pet you.
Jeeves Said:
on December 12, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Thank you kindly, and maybe its just the c-nip talking, but I’d like to pet you too.
A Response to the Responses of My Response « Cat: A Log Said:
on December 15, 2009 at 10:56 pm
[…] those that comment on my blog show a soupçon of intelligence when choosing their wording, my last entry attracted some highly uncouth remarks from those lurking in the nether regions of the web. I never […]