Filling out US Census 2010: A Feline Review

My fellow Americans, your government is counting on you to fill out your US Census Bureau forms! How exciting it is to be a part of this! At least, that was my attitude when the survey first arrived many weeks ago. The female set it on the coffee table where it remained until yesterday. Both the male and female remained somewhere between forgetting and not realizing the existence of this form.

When a second letter arrived, I couldn’t take this human procrastination any longer! I decided to fill it out for them. To my surprise, it only cares about people!

1. How many PEOPLE live in my household?

Never before have I felt so dismissed by my country. They didn’t once ask about how many cats live in the household. Is this a giant oversight or purposeful feline discrimination? However, I continued the survey with my usual perseverance. I found that with a few quick changes, I could alter the census to fit my standards. By simply marking out Person 1 and writing over it Cat 1, problem solved.

2. Were there any additional people staying in the household not included in question 1?

Heavens no! I firmly stick to the 1:2 rule. Not more than 2 people per cat.

3. Rented.

4. What is your telephone #?

I don’t care for phone calls myself, but I did enter in the female’s phone # in case there were any questions about the survey.

5. Name? Jeeves G. Fuzzenstein.

6. Sex? Female

7. Age?

My birthday is a bit of a mystery, as I am an orphan and don’t recall my own birth. I would estimate between 5 and 6 years of age. I do have an observed birthday of October 12 which I made up when I established my facebook profile.

8. Hispanic? Not to my knowledge.

9. Race?

I crossed out Person 1’s race and wrote in Cat 1’s color. I’m glad that I could check more than 1 box, as I am both black AND white.

10. Does person one sometimes live or stay somewhere else?

I can safely say no to that question. I like to think of myself as an intellectual traveler. I have no need to stay anywhere outside of my loft.

At this point, I turned the page of this lengthy survey, where I was given the opportunity to fill out sections for the male and female. I’ve always called them roommates in the past, but I think now I might start referring to them as “other nonrelatives.” That describes our relationship perfectly! I quickly filled out the other questions so I could reach the more in-depth part of the survey.

But flipping through the pages, I learned that this was the end of the survey! Don’t they care about my habits and beliefs?! How dull! I feel like I’ve just been ASL’d via snail mail by some curt stranger who has no intention of replying. Overall the US Census 2010 was quite a disappointment.



  1. Frisket of Pella Books Said:

    Jeeves, my person has thrown the census form in his tottering pile and probably won’t get to it for years. This is his usual habit.

    However, I have serious reservations about this form. 1. There are six of us in this house, and the form only wants to count three of them, and they are the three with the worst sense of smell.

    For question two, there is a young man who frequently stays over, but we aren’t allowed to count him either. And he eats more than the rest of us combined.

    3. What is this own or rent? This is where the pack makes its home. So what?

    4. What is a number? What is a telephone?

    5. The question about my name is an insult. I have the old-fashioned method of name and description–John the miller, James of London etc. This form wants me to force myself into the modern pattern of a last name. This is just so wrong. They are trying to destroy an early native culture.

    6. While I was a female, they have rudely used sharp cruel tools on me so that I cannot fulfill my basic female function any more. But there is no box for neutral. I am not sure these people even know any grammar.

    7. The vet says over 10, but who knows. Years mean nothing to me. Getting fed everyday is very important.

    8. Race? I am old and gimpy, and can’t race as fast as the other dogs. I think they are making fun of my age and disability.

    This last question about staying somewhere else is most cruel. Occasionally my people put me in a horrid place called a doggy motel, where I have to wait for my people to return. This is the worst experience of my life. How can this form refer to it so casually? All in all, this form is a form of torture and ought not to be allowed.


    • Jeeves Said:

      Frisket, poor old boy,
      I understand your concerns. Race is a sensitive issue for some.
      The hotel sounds awful. Luckily such things don’t exist for cats, as we are fully independent creatures.
      Best wishes,

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