Archive for Complaint Box

Filling out US Census 2010: A Feline Review

My fellow Americans, your government is counting on you to fill out your US Census Bureau forms! How exciting it is to be a part of this! At least, that was my attitude when the survey first arrived many weeks ago. The female set it on the coffee table where it remained until yesterday. Both the male and female remained somewhere between forgetting and not realizing the existence of this form.

When a second letter arrived, I couldn’t take this human procrastination any longer! I decided to fill it out for them. To my surprise, it only cares about people!

1. How many PEOPLE live in my household?

Never before have I felt so dismissed by my country. They didn’t once ask about how many cats live in the household. Is this a giant oversight or purposeful feline discrimination? However, I continued the survey with my usual perseverance. I found that with a few quick changes, I could alter the census to fit my standards. By simply marking out Person 1 and writing over it Cat 1, problem solved.

2. Were there any additional people staying in the household not included in question 1?

Heavens no! I firmly stick to the 1:2 rule. Not more than 2 people per cat.

3. Rented.

4. What is your telephone #?

I don’t care for phone calls myself, but I did enter in the female’s phone # in case there were any questions about the survey.

5. Name? Jeeves G. Fuzzenstein.

6. Sex? Female

7. Age?

My birthday is a bit of a mystery, as I am an orphan and don’t recall my own birth. I would estimate between 5 and 6 years of age. I do have an observed birthday of October 12 which I made up when I established my facebook profile.

8. Hispanic? Not to my knowledge.

9. Race?

I crossed out Person 1’s race and wrote in Cat 1’s color. I’m glad that I could check more than 1 box, as I am both black AND white.

10. Does person one sometimes live or stay somewhere else?

I can safely say no to that question. I like to think of myself as an intellectual traveler. I have no need to stay anywhere outside of my loft.

At this point, I turned the page of this lengthy survey, where I was given the opportunity to fill out sections for the male and female. I’ve always called them roommates in the past, but I think now I might start referring to them as “other nonrelatives.” That describes our relationship perfectly! I quickly filled out the other questions so I could reach the more in-depth part of the survey.

But flipping through the pages, I learned that this was the end of the survey! Don’t they care about my habits and beliefs?! How dull! I feel like I’ve just been ASL’d via snail mail by some curt stranger who has no intention of replying. Overall the US Census 2010 was quite a disappointment.

Office Humor

The female keeps forwarding me spamy emails of her own creation. I don’t know why she decided to add me to her mailing list. Her sense of humor, already much less discerning than mine, appears to be even more jumbled in the office place. Things that wouldn’t be funny are suddenly hysterical to her. She insists it is funny. Office humor she says. Office humor? Or total detachment from reality? I’ve acquired enough of these “episodes” to warrant it’s own blog.

Caution: Cat Toy?

Something relatively bizarre did happen today. As I stepped onto the living room rug for my afternoon sun bath, I caught sight of a suspicious package. It was wrapped in a shiny paper printed with a man shape in a ridiculous spider costume. I started to tear at the ribbon incasing this spidery man-covered box.

An hour later, a strange tube was revealed. I would assume it is a toy but the size is too small for comfort. I thought I could exchange it, but the giver left no gift receipt. As it is, I’m stuck with this Chinese Cat Trap. There is a thoughtful sunroof in the middle of the tube which is sprinkled with an alluring California catnip.

Why must such wonderfully harmful things always be so tempting!

A Response to the Responses of My Response

Although, for the most part, those that comment on my blog show a soupçon of intelligence when choosing their wording, my last entry attracted some highly uncouth remarks from those lurking in the nether regions of the web. I never would have guessed that humans would be so offended by a cat being offended. To further my dismay, some of the anthrocommentary clearly came from those who didn’t even read my whole entry.

I am fascinated that people can display such extreme anger over a brief article they didn’t bother to read, but this is not the first time I’ve seen the intellectual process skipped over when a person takes sides on an issue. Maybe this quick response is a sort of evolutionary trait of humans. Had my article been a bear, a quick response would have saved lives.

But seeing as the likeliness of a bear attack is nigh impossible while online, a don’t think this intellectual indolence is doing society any favors.

I’ve discovered an invaluable tool in deciphering my exciting increase of spam and trolls and furthering my anthropological studies. The Urban Dictionary appears to have been created by humans, for humans, because they too, are in desperate need of understanding their bizarre deviations from the language. The female tends to be more old-school in her language usage, but the male uses several words a day that I had previously thought to be gibberish.

A Defense Against 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors

It would appear that some egregious accusations have been laid at my twittering paws and I feel I must defend myself and all my feline kin against these dubious human fabrications.

The article, 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors with Shockingly Evil Explanations, was tweet-linked to me by an epic pan-galactic trollop who wanted to know the truth of the matter. I will address each “explanation” separately.

#6. Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human

The first offense I find to be the most outrageous. It’s MANipulation, not CATipulation, for a reason. I won’t try to hide the fact that our meows are nothing like the meaningless, one-size-fits-all bark of a dog! Oh, I’m so sorry if our meows are actually communicating something! Should I meow only to be cute? How selfish and unforgiving of me! I’d hate to interrupt the humans precious time to remind them that I need food to survive, and that I too, am a sentient being with feelings and an appetite!

The corrupted little “baby” humans are the real fur-pulling menace of society! Obviously this is understood, or the article wouldn’t fault us for communicating in a way that resembles evil “baby” tactics.

#5. Leaving Their Poop Uncovered As An Insult

I’m not even going to dignify this with a response. What kind of cats did they survey for this article anyway?

#4. Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership

What’s wrong with that? Humans like to feel protected. How often do I see the humans do the same thing to each other? I never hear any complaints about that.

#3. Imitating Snakes to Intimidate You

They have this one all wrong. Yes, we look very frightening when we “hiss” at someone, but its backwards. Snakes copied that move from us.

#2. Obsessively Getting Rid of the Stench of Humans

Yeah, that’s right. You stink! This makes me think of a common human behavior – DENIAL!

#1. Bringing Home Dead Animals to Show You Suck at Hunting

Another ridiculous qualm. Why would I care if a human is a poor hunter? Such a disparagingly remark they use: “Cats love murder.” They are trying to paint as cruel and heartless creatures. Yes, like to hunt “just for kicks.” At least Fluffy won’t stuff the carcass when he’s done and hang it on the wall for all posterity to see, like Fleshy over there.

So the next time the photoshoping storytellers of cracked.com want to fault cats for our cruel behaviors, maybe they should take a look in the mirror. It is there that the real newsworthy behaviors of deceitful malice, greed, and vanity can be found.

Healthful Life Cat Chow Purina Balance

After writing my novel its difficult to return to this sporadic posting-style. As it is for most bloggers, I find my most stimulating topics when I have something to complain about. Things have been rather uneventful lately, but I knew my roommates wouldn’t let me down for long. 

The female with her wholly misguided human American consumer brain has just brought home a new type of dry food for my serving platter. Instead of the usual brown grain chunks, I am now being treated to brightly-colored grain chunks. This feast boasts of scientific blend of chicken, salmon, whole grains, cranberries, carrots, garden greens, and cheeses all in one. I don’t think any food product should boast of such a list of ingredients and unfortunately I’m only a fan of 3 of these foods.

In the words of the male. “I love me some cheese” (they use very awkward grammar sometimes) and I am not opposed to variety in my diet, but I’d prefer this variety wasn’t all blended together and dried up with added food coloring. I don’t see the humans collecting all the elements of a fine dinner and then throwing them in the blender.

At first I wondered why she had brought me this bizarre food but now I can picture the female checking out all the food in the feline grocery section and picking out the item with packaging that reinforced her faux-zen, green, hippie, healthy attitude at the time. When she is in a scientific mood, I get food in blue packaging and when in a playful mood she brings me back yellow-packaged food. Before this brand, the only difference in the food was in the coloring and shapes (I like the scientific shapes the best). But this health food is harsh on the olfactory system. At least, it’s a small bag that will be gone soon. I’ve been making a show of how disgusting it is so she’ll understand that I never want to smell, taste, or see this food again. I think she’s starting to get it.