Archive for Human Behavior

On Humans and Privacy

So it looks like the humans’ Facebook campaign to quit Facebook has failed miserably, and although people are complaining in record numbers about privacy violations through Facebook, Twitter, foursquare, etc., actions against these social media tools are negligible. The humans are getting themselves in a blogging tizzy about protecting their need for privacy, but most arguments I’ve read in favor of privacy appear to be sensationalized nonsense. Please note that this need for privacy is a human phenomenon only. I have yet to hear one cat ask me to quit Facebook for the sake of privacy.

Joining Facebook is a voluntary action, just as posting status updates and declaring interests via facebook are completely voluntary. Agreeing to be in a local magazine is also voluntary, and while the female will agree to do it and then decide she doesn’t want to be the “crazy cat lady,” I will not back down from my decision for shameless self-promotion (even if they picture makes me look fat).

If you really hate Facebook and everything it stands for, by all means quit. If you just hate that all of your Facebook friends can see that you love Hannah Montana, you don’t actually need to add that to your Facebook profile. You can delete it. You can have the starkest page in the world with a picture of your favorite plant in place of you to represent your minimalist ways.

The problem isn’t that people are concerned with their privacy, but that they are concerned with looking concerned about caring about their privacy. Cats may ham it up with the rest of humans, but we don’t feel the need for such modest affectations. It’s like the crazy fat lady on Jerry Springer throwing a chair and declaring herself a “no drama” sort of girl. You love the drama, crazy fat lady! Why hide it?

I think I do have a solution for humans though when it comes to preserving their precious modesty. Since true modesty is a shame, every human could appoint someone else to promote themselves. I’ve made a graphic to help explain my idea to your ape brains.

Preserving modesty using the Human Triangle Cheerleading System

Bob would be Sally’s cheerleader, Sally would be Fred’s cheerleader and Fred would be Bob’s cheerleader. That way it all balances out. It’s like having your own agent, but you don’t need to pay anyone because the labor game is all equal.

Anyway, when it comes to privacy concerns, most importantly, DO NOT PANIC. This is not Orwell’s 1984. Firstly, because most privacy “violations” are voluntary. And secondly, if there is a camera in the corner, it probably doesn’t care about you. Most humans, especially the online ones, are far more concerned about bringing attention to themselves than giving attention to others.

The only valid privacy concern I’ve heard yet concerns identity theft. I’m opposed to someone stealing my financials, but if they’d like to steal bits of my personality, well then, I would be flattered.

That’s all I have for today. Sorry if my brain is a little scattered with all my new fame and glory. I mentioned that I’m famous now, right?

Who is The Man?

Evidently, my humans are being sorely inconvenienced by the man. I thought, at first, they were talking about the “man” but no. We are dealing with “the man.” This is not a tangible man. According to my extensive research (Wikipedia): “The Man” is a slang phrase that refers to the government leaders of large corporations, and other authority figures in general, rather than a specific person.

I wonder, is there a cat equivalent to the man? Can I blame all my qualms with feline society on “the cat”? I don’t think we have an all purpose scapegoat for what is wrong.

At first, I thought it was a good thing to be the man. But my roommates have shown that this is not at all the case. To rebel against the man, a person must do things they enjoy. Which brings me to a popular human trait: finding deeper justifications for doing what mainly benefits oneself.

I’ve gathered that rebelling against the man involves a few important steps:

  • 1. Rock and Roll (possibly the reason my humans constantly form fake rock bands)
  • 2. Not “selling out” (which is easily done when nobody is interested in “buying out” the individual in question)
  • 3. Excessive consumption of alcohol and/or drugs. (an aid to steps 1 and 4)
  • 4. Make unfeasible plans to take down the man
  • 5. Work for the man as a way getting the “in” while all along planning to take down the man from the inside (until years later, when the comfortable position acquired makes one slowly forget this step)

If anyone can enlighten me more on the man, please do so. I’m quite intrigued by the whole idea.

A Response to the Responses of My Response

Although, for the most part, those that comment on my blog show a soupçon of intelligence when choosing their wording, my last entry attracted some highly uncouth remarks from those lurking in the nether regions of the web. I never would have guessed that humans would be so offended by a cat being offended. To further my dismay, some of the anthrocommentary clearly came from those who didn’t even read my whole entry.

I am fascinated that people can display such extreme anger over a brief article they didn’t bother to read, but this is not the first time I’ve seen the intellectual process skipped over when a person takes sides on an issue. Maybe this quick response is a sort of evolutionary trait of humans. Had my article been a bear, a quick response would have saved lives.

But seeing as the likeliness of a bear attack is nigh impossible while online, a don’t think this intellectual indolence is doing society any favors.

I’ve discovered an invaluable tool in deciphering my exciting increase of spam and trolls and furthering my anthropological studies. The Urban Dictionary appears to have been created by humans, for humans, because they too, are in desperate need of understanding their bizarre deviations from the language. The female tends to be more old-school in her language usage, but the male uses several words a day that I had previously thought to be gibberish.

A Defense Against 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors

It would appear that some egregious accusations have been laid at my twittering paws and I feel I must defend myself and all my feline kin against these dubious human fabrications.

The article, 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors with Shockingly Evil Explanations, was tweet-linked to me by an epic pan-galactic trollop who wanted to know the truth of the matter. I will address each “explanation” separately.

#6. Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human

The first offense I find to be the most outrageous. It’s MANipulation, not CATipulation, for a reason. I won’t try to hide the fact that our meows are nothing like the meaningless, one-size-fits-all bark of a dog! Oh, I’m so sorry if our meows are actually communicating something! Should I meow only to be cute? How selfish and unforgiving of me! I’d hate to interrupt the humans precious time to remind them that I need food to survive, and that I too, am a sentient being with feelings and an appetite!

The corrupted little “baby” humans are the real fur-pulling menace of society! Obviously this is understood, or the article wouldn’t fault us for communicating in a way that resembles evil “baby” tactics.

#5. Leaving Their Poop Uncovered As An Insult

I’m not even going to dignify this with a response. What kind of cats did they survey for this article anyway?

#4. Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership

What’s wrong with that? Humans like to feel protected. How often do I see the humans do the same thing to each other? I never hear any complaints about that.

#3. Imitating Snakes to Intimidate You

They have this one all wrong. Yes, we look very frightening when we “hiss” at someone, but its backwards. Snakes copied that move from us.

#2. Obsessively Getting Rid of the Stench of Humans

Yeah, that’s right. You stink! This makes me think of a common human behavior – DENIAL!

#1. Bringing Home Dead Animals to Show You Suck at Hunting

Another ridiculous qualm. Why would I care if a human is a poor hunter? Such a disparagingly remark they use: “Cats love murder.” They are trying to paint as cruel and heartless creatures. Yes, like to hunt “just for kicks.” At least Fluffy won’t stuff the carcass when he’s done and hang it on the wall for all posterity to see, like Fleshy over there.

So the next time the photoshoping storytellers of cracked.com want to fault cats for our cruel behaviors, maybe they should take a look in the mirror. It is there that the real newsworthy behaviors of deceitful malice, greed, and vanity can be found.

It is a truth universally acknowledged…

Humans appear to have a very inefficient memory system. The female has just completed yet another reading of “Pride and Prejudice” only to start it over once more. Is the plot altogether forgotten in her primate skull? Or perhaps she is trying to memorize the contents for some sort of performance. The male also tends to do this. His “Pride and Prejudice” is entitled “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.”

For a long time I wondered where he kept his motorcycle, but it suddenly strikes me that this book is more of an owner’s manual for himself than for any bike he may or may not own. The female glimpses at this Zen book too from mealtime to naptime, probably trying to pinpoint a male-malfunction that needs tweaking.

It is possible some neurons have been misfiring in the female’s brain and she is trying to reinstall the basics of her system, like when my iPod crashes and I must restore to factory settings. How bizarre! Are humans programmed to regress into “safe mode” when overwhelmed with their surroundings? Its hard to judge if a human’s functionality has been reduced, as this often seems like their default position. Has the female hit her BSOD?

Perhaps a perusal of their owner’s manuals will aid me in my understanding of the human mindset.

Neko-Karma

I tipped over their glasses of water. I chewed through their power cords. I scratched their arms. I attacked their faces. I disturbed their dreams. I peed on their rug.

Did the thick-headed humans think I just did this for my own amusement?

I get the feeling that humans know when they are doing something wrong. I see that spark of realization hidden in their eyes when I walk in the room. The female knows what she should be doing, but her lazy guilt is not enough to rouse her to action.

It’s impossible to get either of them to behave using logical methods. I can’t say “Hey, clean my toilet box, please. It would make everything much more pleasant for the ol’ olfactories.”

Instead I have to resort to subterfuge, making them think some sort of karma is controlling the results of their actions.

Only now, after peeing on the rug, does the female FINALLY get it. Clean out the cat toilet! There comes a time when I quick grating through the litter just won’t cut it. That time was last month. And when do my toilet box particles finally get replaced? Today.

I’d like to think she’s learned a valuable lesson from all this, but I’m sure I’ll be repeating the first paragraph before too long.

GUM

I have to say I don’t understand this human desire to be constantly chewing. You wouldn’t find a cat with a sticky-rubber-chewing habit. The male and female have gone through as many as 5 packs a day. Little gum wrappers are constantly being littered across the coffee table. I might nibble on the wrappers occasionally, but I’d never touch the sticky goo inside (except for the gum-in-fur incident but that was accidental). Perhaps there is some sort of “medicine” inside the gum that is released when chewed.

Battle

My apologies, I forgot to post this from last weekend’s lofty excursions…

above the cold food storage and beyondIt’s been strange the past few days. The male has been away, presumably vacationing in some exotic location. Even without him around to harass me, I’m still a bit tense from not knowing when he will return. I think the female could sense this uneasiness and provided me with a splattering of catnip in my afternoon sunbath to take off the edge. My nerves calmed, I am finally up to writing another entry.

I now think the male’s presence has a direct correlation with the female’s grasp on reality. Before I had drawn the conclusion that the two humans together encouraged each other’s crazy and erratic behaviors (especially in reference to furniture arrangement), but now I see that when left alone, the female has a tendency to withdraw completely from society. Is this insanity drawn to the surface when no other humans are around to condemn crazy behaviors, or is it the direct cause of loneliness?

She spent most of the time “drumming” and singing in her “band” to the applause of her fans (imaginary). I felt no desire to point out to her that these fans were nothing more than figments. As long as she feeds me and cleans the toilet box, her degree of human sanity makes little difference to me.

Late in the afternoon, however, there was some cause for alarm. She had cleaned the apartment, which means visitors. She was taking out random foods and pans to cook with, which foretold the arrival of a couple. Couples have a tendency to tote around mini humans.  Good grief! I upped my guard to a more alarming shade.

Within minutes, in strolled the mini human of a previous encounter. I had studied her moves well at our last faceoff. I was ready to deploy a throng of evasive tactics, but was at once rendered motionless with hair numbing freight as she nearly leapt out of her carriage and started running at high speeds towards me, her arms waving with destructive glee.

I could tell at once that she had been practicing her moves, perhaps she had studied with some fur pulling masters to prepare for this encounter. The female accompanying her might be a trainer of sorts. I unsheathed my weapons with a hiss. The mini human looked undaunted while the full size humans came to her side.

“Is this to be a fair fight?” I declared. They all gathered round with a vested interest. Had they been taking bets?

“I do not enterain!” I bellowed. My female swooped in to airlift me out of the arena.

I have no doubt now that if given a FAIR fight, I would have stood a chance against this bellicose little person. But obviously, this whole thing had been rigged. My female saw this and made a special place for me on top of the cat-proof cold food storage, enabling me to reach a safe height above the mini-human for recovery of my senses.

Rehearsal

The female is taking a luxury weekend it seems. She spent Friday cleaning (everything but my toilet box) and singing in her fake solo rock band. She has also cut her hair short, possibly to match her new rock star delusion. With the male’s hair getting shaggy, it was hard to tell them apart from a distance, but the addition of pink streaks and spiky-styling alleviated my confusion.

In the evening the rest of the rock band showed up for a shaky rehearsal. The shaggy dark-haired fellow made another appearance followed by a slightly less shaggy dark-haired person who bore an uncanny resemblance to the former. Obviously this man is his doppelgänger, or vice versa. Before playing their plastic instruments, they did some fake onscreen fighting and imbibed bubbly drinks with lime, supposedly to rev up their energy for the fake rock session.

I passed most of the night buried in a pile cloths, trying to block out the modern human cacophony they refer to as “music.”

Qxf4+!?

Once again, the roommates have left me bewildered by their bizarre behavior. They went out yesterday and returned with a large box, the product of their brief consumermania. In this box were many more boxes dividing up yet smaller boxes containing pieces surrounded in a catproof plastic. Humans must take great pleasure in packaging and unwrapping items. My roommates were shortly joined by the shaggy dark-haired fellow with an unstable nature as well as my old roommate, Jeremy. At least one human could cast a bit of sanity on this chaos. 

I waited with an apprehensive anticipation of what would come. When the humans had nearly finished their piecing together of items I began to see the formations of a rock band.

Blast! Am I to be awoken at all hours of the day by these hoodlums in my loft playing their revolting rock music! But no, they started to play. The instruments were not real, but plastic. There were no amplifying elements, just four British human avatars. It’s a video game. The humans have put together a fake rock band.

I spend a lot of time trying to predict what the humans might do next and how I can possibly foil their schemes with my forethought. Its like a constant chess game with these humans. Just when I think I have their next move determined, out comes their Rook to capture my Queen, throwing my whole game out of equanimity.

Honestly, who starts a fake rock band?

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