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Shark Week!

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post, but I hardly think I can be blamed. To all of my readers not living on this planet, you have been missing Shark Week!

Shark Week is pretty much an international weeklong holiday to felines.

I’ve been soaking in the shark programming with all the monomaniacal tenacity of a Captain Ahab who can only view his fishemy through the television screen.

To cap off the excitement of Shark Week, I invited all my Facebook friends to Shark Party 2010, the first annual shark party.

I’m not much of a party planner, but the roommates agreed to help with some of the preparations. I learned an important lesson for this: Never trust a human with party foods.

I was planning on providing guests with a fully stocked fish tank, where people could just serve themselves, but the female insisted on only providing fish-shaped food instead. I’m sure the guests were all wildly disappointed, even though they were too nice to mention the lack of live refreshments.

The male managed to pull something acceptable together after given the duties of beverage preparation. The fish tank was used for shark punch, and although the ratios were not quite to my taste (1 part vodka: 2 parts diabetes), it was a very pretty sight.

Nobody minded a little fur in the shark punch tank.

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Ah yes, Halloween – Alice in Wonderland-style

I’m not going to claim ignorance in the human’s traditional celebration of Halloween, as no respectable and tech-savvy feline possibly would. There is just no point in feigning surprise over the bizarre customs celebrated by humans on the occasional, agreed-upon day. I’ve seen it before and I’m sure I will see it again. It is a holiday, much like Christmas, over 2,000 years old with its own colors, decorations, and strange displays of giving (in this case, candy) to others.

I could tell something was being cooked up in the female’s brain in the way of Halloween event planning for awhile now. Most recently, the cabinet containing liquor seemed to swell with anticipation. I usually abhor these human gatherings, but honestly, I was looking for a little excitement.

I helped out the female as she threw colored ribbons over pipes. She seemed a little stressed out, so I offered her a helpful claw to take some of the decorating responsibilities away from her. I was shocked at her ungracious attitude, but I suppose some people have to do everything themselves.

She fastened her rolling contraptions to her feet, just as the party was starting. With that element of danger in place, I secured my chair for the evening and settled in to be a passive observer to the human freak show that was about to begin.

alice from a cat's eyeI recognized the male by his manly stance. He was loosely dressed as the main character, Alice, but lacked the grace of a young lady and appeared to be rather demented. Then there was the gay unicorn, several card people, the Cheshire cat (who fully lacked the grace of a cat), the armed man in red pajamas, a Viking, a slave Leia (from the popular science fiction movie called Star Wars, I was informed), a beaten vintage woman, a man with a fuzzy tale attached to his suit jacket, a detective, a time-obsessed bunny, and the maker of the popular party Jewlick, Jeremy, you old so-and-so.

I watched as fake bands formed and broke up, croquet matches were started and abandoned, flamingos strangled, cucumber sandwiches consumed, and the DRINK ME sign carefully complied with.

All in all, it was a typical tea party, without much to remark on, but I do wish the female had warned me that the roses where freshly painted. I was cleaning the red out of my white until morning.

Battle

My apologies, I forgot to post this from last weekend’s lofty excursions…

above the cold food storage and beyondIt’s been strange the past few days. The male has been away, presumably vacationing in some exotic location. Even without him around to harass me, I’m still a bit tense from not knowing when he will return. I think the female could sense this uneasiness and provided me with a splattering of catnip in my afternoon sunbath to take off the edge. My nerves calmed, I am finally up to writing another entry.

I now think the male’s presence has a direct correlation with the female’s grasp on reality. Before I had drawn the conclusion that the two humans together encouraged each other’s crazy and erratic behaviors (especially in reference to furniture arrangement), but now I see that when left alone, the female has a tendency to withdraw completely from society. Is this insanity drawn to the surface when no other humans are around to condemn crazy behaviors, or is it the direct cause of loneliness?

She spent most of the time “drumming” and singing in her “band” to the applause of her fans (imaginary). I felt no desire to point out to her that these fans were nothing more than figments. As long as she feeds me and cleans the toilet box, her degree of human sanity makes little difference to me.

Late in the afternoon, however, there was some cause for alarm. She had cleaned the apartment, which means visitors. She was taking out random foods and pans to cook with, which foretold the arrival of a couple. Couples have a tendency to tote around mini humans.  Good grief! I upped my guard to a more alarming shade.

Within minutes, in strolled the mini human of a previous encounter. I had studied her moves well at our last faceoff. I was ready to deploy a throng of evasive tactics, but was at once rendered motionless with hair numbing freight as she nearly leapt out of her carriage and started running at high speeds towards me, her arms waving with destructive glee.

I could tell at once that she had been practicing her moves, perhaps she had studied with some fur pulling masters to prepare for this encounter. The female accompanying her might be a trainer of sorts. I unsheathed my weapons with a hiss. The mini human looked undaunted while the full size humans came to her side.

“Is this to be a fair fight?” I declared. They all gathered round with a vested interest. Had they been taking bets?

“I do not enterain!” I bellowed. My female swooped in to airlift me out of the arena.

I have no doubt now that if given a FAIR fight, I would have stood a chance against this bellicose little person. But obviously, this whole thing had been rigged. My female saw this and made a special place for me on top of the cat-proof cold food storage, enabling me to reach a safe height above the mini-human for recovery of my senses.

Rehearsal

The female is taking a luxury weekend it seems. She spent Friday cleaning (everything but my toilet box) and singing in her fake solo rock band. She has also cut her hair short, possibly to match her new rock star delusion. With the male’s hair getting shaggy, it was hard to tell them apart from a distance, but the addition of pink streaks and spiky-styling alleviated my confusion.

In the evening the rest of the rock band showed up for a shaky rehearsal. The shaggy dark-haired fellow made another appearance followed by a slightly less shaggy dark-haired person who bore an uncanny resemblance to the former. Obviously this man is his doppelgänger, or vice versa. Before playing their plastic instruments, they did some fake onscreen fighting and imbibed bubbly drinks with lime, supposedly to rev up their energy for the fake rock session.

I passed most of the night buried in a pile cloths, trying to block out the modern human cacophony they refer to as “music.”

Qxf4+!?

Once again, the roommates have left me bewildered by their bizarre behavior. They went out yesterday and returned with a large box, the product of their brief consumermania. In this box were many more boxes dividing up yet smaller boxes containing pieces surrounded in a catproof plastic. Humans must take great pleasure in packaging and unwrapping items. My roommates were shortly joined by the shaggy dark-haired fellow with an unstable nature as well as my old roommate, Jeremy. At least one human could cast a bit of sanity on this chaos. 

I waited with an apprehensive anticipation of what would come. When the humans had nearly finished their piecing together of items I began to see the formations of a rock band.

Blast! Am I to be awoken at all hours of the day by these hoodlums in my loft playing their revolting rock music! But no, they started to play. The instruments were not real, but plastic. There were no amplifying elements, just four British human avatars. It’s a video game. The humans have put together a fake rock band.

I spend a lot of time trying to predict what the humans might do next and how I can possibly foil their schemes with my forethought. Its like a constant chess game with these humans. Just when I think I have their next move determined, out comes their Rook to capture my Queen, throwing my whole game out of equanimity.

Honestly, who starts a fake rock band?

Uprising of the Mini-humans

I had aPicture 3nother encounter with a tenacious mini-human last night. This time I was undaunted by her quadrupedal style of functioning. This must be the preferred choice of mobility among the mini-humans. I was slightly spooked when she stood in the middle of the room on only 2 legs. This appears to be a look-out function only, as she did not approach me in this position. Luckily I was able to keep my distance except for a moment where one of the human visitors (non-mini variety) used her as some sort of weapon. I was able to defend myself and no fur was pulled. She also left me offerings of old Italian-style cheetos and an odd concoction of dried yogurt  bites, which I rather enjoyed.

The Interview

Dinner company came last night – an additional male and female. Male #1 took male #2 over to play video games in his corner. This “gaming” appears one of the main means of interaction between males. (Note: The flamboyant interior decorator who comes over on occasion is an exception to this rule. He must have an alternative procedure for interacting with other males.)

The dinner discussion touched on interviewing for jobs. It appears that the humans have many troubles with job interviews and knowing the right things to do too. I have chosen not to join the working world for many reasons. Of course, the human economy, built from greed and ignorance, creates a non-friendly working environment. All of the employers are looking for someone who is a “people person.” I may talk about people on my blog, but I will NEVER be a “people person.”

My last interview is the main reason for my reluctantly to enter the working world. I remember it all too well.

I had made it to the interview on time and in one piece, which is a big deal for a cat in this human-oriented city. Anyway, I was waiting for this interview to start when I saw the candy bowl on the desk. The overly-sugared, sticky concoctions have never been agreeable to my digestive processes. I started to wonder if I really wanted this position. After all, it wasn’t exactly my dream job. Then I saw, near the window, a beautifully-lit fresh fish bowl with the most appetizing selections that have ever greeted my eyes. Oh, how considerate of the company to think about my tastes! I could tell this was a company that truly accepted and appreciated diversity.

I helped myself to one, not wanting to look greedy, then sat quietly for a few more minutes. I began to think it might be some sort of test. What was the proper amount of fish to take? Perhaps only taking one looked rude. It was when I was reaching in for my second helping that the interviewer finally decided to appear, looking rather distraught. The greedy, human slob must have been keeping them all for himself! The room filled with a mutual disgust and I had to make my immediate exit before the claws came out.

I learned at dinner that the human concerns with interviewing deal mainly with the questioning process, which I didn’t reach in my interview. I might want to study up on the typical interview questions asked and the correct answers to them, as I may have the urge to find a paying job soon.

Brush with the mini-human

A most alarming visitor came by yesterday as I was bathing in a luxurious stripe of sunlight on the female’s desk. The female brought in four visitors. I recognized and welcomed the first two, an older lady and gentleman, as they had previously bestowed upon me my soft rug and patch of cat grass. Another female appeared and I thought that was the last of them. I prefer one visitor at a time but if they are the type who brings gifts in my honor, I could graciously accept their arrival. I looked to see what gifts they had brought with them this time, perhaps some boots for my sore paws or a tasty fish to nibble on. Imagine my bemusement when I took notice of a tiny-sized human being held in the lady’s arms. What kind of gift is this?! Was this miniature human some sort of housemaid or personal attendant they were bringing to me? But no, I decided to keep my distance and stay in the safe light above until I could get a clear read on the situation. I heard a bag open and the smell of treats wafted across the loft. This was enough to bring me forward with curiosity (a downfall of mine). The small, oddly proportioned human didn’t seem to do much at first. Then she made her move. I quickly realized this must have been some sort of trap. I could see the madcap look in her eyes. This was not a human who had come to brush my posh coat of black and white. This was a fur-puller.

I stepped back and gave a warning hiss, to which I heard laughter in reply. She made a startling movement towards me. Much to my amazement, the tiny human was a quadruped! She came forward at a rapid speed. I took off unsure of whether she could jump or not. What variation of human is this? I’m happy to say my fur was not mussed about by this tiny human and after studying her movements, I should be more prepared if we meet again. A cat cannot relax in this mad, mad world.

Interior Decorator?

This place is starting to grow on me. I spent the majority of today in the window reflecting. I have quite a lovely reflection. The windows are very exciting. They are without screens and if I can figure out a way to open them further, or loss 5 lbs in 1 day, I could maneuver my way out onto the ledge. The fire department is only a block away and I’d like to test their reaction time to the whole cat-on-a-ledge scenario.

We did have one visitor today. I believe him to be their close, personal interior decorator, also known as Notaniska. His interest in room design and gay fashion were unmistakable. This place still needs some work so I think I’ll be seeing him again shortly.

Dealing with the Unstable

It didn’t take long for another cord to magically reappear. Perhaps the female had another one all along. This one looks equally chewy. Another man has appeared with dark shaggy hair and glasses. I believe him to be the doppelganger of someone I’ve seen in the past, or vice versa. The male and him are discussing some sort of journey or battle in a strange town. It is possible that this shaggy stranger is dangerously unstable and that the male is playing along with him for the sake of his own safety. Could it be hospitality or fear for one’s life? The male has given him his chair and prepared him a beverage. Its always a good idea to keep a lunatic happy. Well played, sir.

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