It would appear that some egregious accusations have been laid at my twittering paws and I feel I must defend myself and all my feline kin against these dubious human fabrications.
The article, 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors with Shockingly Evil Explanations, was tweet-linked to me by an epic pan-galactic trollop who wanted to know the truth of the matter. I will address each “explanation” separately.
#6. Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human
The first offense I find to be the most outrageous. It’s MANipulation, not CATipulation, for a reason. I won’t try to hide the fact that our meows are nothing like the meaningless, one-size-fits-all bark of a dog! Oh, I’m so sorry if our meows are actually communicating something! Should I meow only to be cute? How selfish and unforgiving of me! I’d hate to interrupt the humans precious time to remind them that I need food to survive, and that I too, am a sentient being with feelings and an appetite!
The corrupted little “baby” humans are the real fur-pulling menace of society! Obviously this is understood, or the article wouldn’t fault us for communicating in a way that resembles evil “baby” tactics.
#5. Leaving Their Poop Uncovered As An Insult
I’m not even going to dignify this with a response. What kind of cats did they survey for this article anyway?
#4. Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership
What’s wrong with that? Humans like to feel protected. How often do I see the humans do the same thing to each other? I never hear any complaints about that.
#3. Imitating Snakes to Intimidate You
They have this one all wrong. Yes, we look very frightening when we “hiss” at someone, but its backwards. Snakes copied that move from us.
#2. Obsessively Getting Rid of the Stench of Humans
Yeah, that’s right. You stink! This makes me think of a common human behavior – DENIAL!
#1. Bringing Home Dead Animals to Show You Suck at Hunting
Another ridiculous qualm. Why would I care if a human is a poor hunter? Such a disparagingly remark they use: “Cats love murder.” They are trying to paint as cruel and heartless creatures. Yes, like to hunt “just for kicks.” At least Fluffy won’t stuff the carcass when he’s done and hang it on the wall for all posterity to see, like Fleshy over there.
So the next time the photoshoping storytellers of cracked.com want to fault cats for our cruel behaviors, maybe they should take a look in the mirror. It is there that the real newsworthy behaviors of deceitful malice, greed, and vanity can be found.