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A Defense Against 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors

It would appear that some egregious accusations have been laid at my twittering paws and I feel I must defend myself and all my feline kin against these dubious human fabrications.

The article, 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors with Shockingly Evil Explanations, was tweet-linked to me by an epic pan-galactic trollop who wanted to know the truth of the matter. I will address each “explanation” separately.

#6. Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human

The first offense I find to be the most outrageous. It’s MANipulation, not CATipulation, for a reason. I won’t try to hide the fact that our meows are nothing like the meaningless, one-size-fits-all bark of a dog! Oh, I’m so sorry if our meows are actually communicating something! Should I meow only to be cute? How selfish and unforgiving of me! I’d hate to interrupt the humans precious time to remind them that I need food to survive, and that I too, am a sentient being with feelings and an appetite!

The corrupted little “baby” humans are the real fur-pulling menace of society! Obviously this is understood, or the article wouldn’t fault us for communicating in a way that resembles evil “baby” tactics.

#5. Leaving Their Poop Uncovered As An Insult

I’m not even going to dignify this with a response. What kind of cats did they survey for this article anyway?

#4. Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership

What’s wrong with that? Humans like to feel protected. How often do I see the humans do the same thing to each other? I never hear any complaints about that.

#3. Imitating Snakes to Intimidate You

They have this one all wrong. Yes, we look very frightening when we “hiss” at someone, but its backwards. Snakes copied that move from us.

#2. Obsessively Getting Rid of the Stench of Humans

Yeah, that’s right. You stink! This makes me think of a common human behavior – DENIAL!

#1. Bringing Home Dead Animals to Show You Suck at Hunting

Another ridiculous qualm. Why would I care if a human is a poor hunter? Such a disparagingly remark they use: “Cats love murder.” They are trying to paint as cruel and heartless creatures. Yes, like to hunt “just for kicks.” At least Fluffy won’t stuff the carcass when he’s done and hang it on the wall for all posterity to see, like Fleshy over there.

So the next time the photoshoping storytellers of cracked.com want to fault cats for our cruel behaviors, maybe they should take a look in the mirror. It is there that the real newsworthy behaviors of deceitful malice, greed, and vanity can be found.

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It is a truth universally acknowledged…

Humans appear to have a very inefficient memory system. The female has just completed yet another reading of “Pride and Prejudice” only to start it over once more. Is the plot altogether forgotten in her primate skull? Or perhaps she is trying to memorize the contents for some sort of performance. The male also tends to do this. His “Pride and Prejudice” is entitled “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.”

For a long time I wondered where he kept his motorcycle, but it suddenly strikes me that this book is more of an owner’s manual for himself than for any bike he may or may not own. The female glimpses at this Zen book too from mealtime to naptime, probably trying to pinpoint a male-malfunction that needs tweaking.

It is possible some neurons have been misfiring in the female’s brain and she is trying to reinstall the basics of her system, like when my iPod crashes and I must restore to factory settings. How bizarre! Are humans programmed to regress into “safe mode” when overwhelmed with their surroundings? Its hard to judge if a human’s functionality has been reduced, as this often seems like their default position. Has the female hit her BSOD?

Perhaps a perusal of their owner’s manuals will aid me in my understanding of the human mindset.

To twitter or not to twitter

I have recently been asked if I will be starting my own twitter account. Before giving my answer I would like to fully explain the situation. Whenever I’m faced with a technological “advancement” for social networking, I go through 7 Stages. This was true with pagers, cell phones, email, facebook, online dating (which did not work out as I’d hoped), and finally blogging.

7 STAGES OF ACCEPTING TECHNOLOGY:

Stage 1: SHOCK & DENIAL: “YOU MANIACS!” Of course a cat is morally against creating “tweets” The very name is repulsive.

Stage 2: PAIN and GRIEF: This step is usually filled with a haunting nostalgia for a less tech-enhanced day when things seemed simple and pure.

Stage 2: ANGER & BARGAINING & GUILT: Paired together because I cycle between them.

  • ANGER: “YOU MANIACS!” Reflective of Step 1, but with greater realization. “Don’t you humans have  a soupçon of decency?! Is it no longer the fashion to fake humility?! Now you need to send out a series of overly self-indulgent and mundane status updates and overwrought nonsense in hopes someone will find you interesting!”
  • BARGAINING: “I’d give all the tuna in the world to be able to go back to those good ol’ days.”  This is usually the most pathetic of steps where I try to live inside wishful thinking.

Stage 4: DEPRESSION: On these days I spend an even higher percentage of the day sleeping.

Stage 5: THE GLIMMER OF HOPE: I begin to dip my paws into the patch of sunshine to gauge the temperature.

Stage 6: RECONSTRUCTION: This is mostly a learning process, a forming of new habits, a rewiring of my brain.

Stage 7: ACCEPTANCE: “What did I ever do without this wonderful new technology?”

So it is likely, based on my past experience, I will be starting my own twitter account. However I am currently in Stage 4, so to HELL with your TWITTER and don’t ask me AGAIN!

(You can probably expect some regression as well. It is a slow process.)

On the Human Musical Condition

Both the male and the female have an obsession with “singing,” for lack of a better word. When alone, the female will often burst into song, declaring herself to be a “Rocketman” or “Under Pressure” or that she is an “Extraordinary Machine.” The male however chooses a different approach by inserting my name into already existing songs such as “taking care of jeevesness,” “ba-ba-ba bennie and the jeeves,” or “oh, sweet jeeves o’mine.” Like most cats (except for the sellouts) I believe singing is for the philistines.

When they are home together, it’s more of a purposeful cacophony of painful notes. I think they might be trying to figure out who can create the most obnoxious sound in the world. Or it could be that if one is being annoying, the other human has to join, in order to avoid being annoyed. Better to be the vexer, than the vexee? In the steady flow of my thought processes, I may have just discovered the whole cause of the current human condition! A spiral effect of irritating and disturbing behavior! Could this be how they spend their days interacting with other humans, trying to one-up their acquaintances with irksome behaviors?