Archive for November, 2009

It is a truth universally acknowledged…

Humans appear to have a very inefficient memory system. The female has just completed yet another reading of “Pride and Prejudice” only to start it over once more. Is the plot altogether forgotten in her primate skull? Or perhaps she is trying to memorize the contents for some sort of performance. The male also tends to do this. His “Pride and Prejudice” is entitled “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.”

For a long time I wondered where he kept his motorcycle, but it suddenly strikes me that this book is more of an owner’s manual for himself than for any bike he may or may not own. The female glimpses at this Zen book too from mealtime to naptime, probably trying to pinpoint a male-malfunction that needs tweaking.

It is possible some neurons have been misfiring in the female’s brain and she is trying to reinstall the basics of her system, like when my iPod crashes and I must restore to factory settings. How bizarre! Are humans programmed to regress into “safe mode” when overwhelmed with their surroundings? Its hard to judge if a human’s functionality has been reduced, as this often seems like their default position. Has the female hit her BSOD?

Perhaps a perusal of their owner’s manuals will aid me in my understanding of the human mindset.

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Neko-Karma

I tipped over their glasses of water. I chewed through their power cords. I scratched their arms. I attacked their faces. I disturbed their dreams. I peed on their rug.

Did the thick-headed humans think I just did this for my own amusement?

I get the feeling that humans know when they are doing something wrong. I see that spark of realization hidden in their eyes when I walk in the room. The female knows what she should be doing, but her lazy guilt is not enough to rouse her to action.

It’s impossible to get either of them to behave using logical methods. I can’t say “Hey, clean my toilet box, please. It would make everything much more pleasant for the ol’ olfactories.”

Instead I have to resort to subterfuge, making them think some sort of karma is controlling the results of their actions.

Only now, after peeing on the rug, does the female FINALLY get it. Clean out the cat toilet! There comes a time when I quick grating through the litter just won’t cut it. That time was last month. And when do my toilet box particles finally get replaced? Today.

I’d like to think she’s learned a valuable lesson from all this, but I’m sure I’ll be repeating the first paragraph before too long.

GUM

I have to say I don’t understand this human desire to be constantly chewing. You wouldn’t find a cat with a sticky-rubber-chewing habit. The male and female have gone through as many as 5 packs a day. Little gum wrappers are constantly being littered across the coffee table. I might nibble on the wrappers occasionally, but I’d never touch the sticky goo inside (except for the gum-in-fur incident but that was accidental). Perhaps there is some sort of “medicine” inside the gum that is released when chewed.

One person’s “tweet” is this cat’s “meow”

While after strenuous mental oscillating, I have finally done it. I have started my own twitter account (under username JeevesCat (as TheCatsMeow was already taken(probably by some human moron who doesn’t deserve it))).

My decision to tweet came shortly after the arrival of my new iPhone. I don’t think I ever let myself fully admit it before, but I’ve been jealous of the male’s iPhone for some time now. Knowing I didn’t have the funding, I told myself that the smug iPhone was superfluous to my simple feline lifestyle, but now that my benefactor (the female) has bestowed this futuristic gift upon me, I intend to take full advantage. The touch-screen keyboard, which has previously intimidated me, is now a cause for celebration. What a relief it is to no longer clean the fur out between keys.

Many of the human-oriented “apps” have been amusing, but the idea of a cat-oriented application has filled me with the ol’ innovator’s excitement.  Perhaps I could create an app that shows the hottest tuna spots, or the most reliable catnip suppliers, or where in the area are the best cat doctors. Or maybe I should just come up with a product that the humans would go bonkers over and throw their money at. Obviously, this will take some more consideration.

Ah yes, Halloween – Alice in Wonderland-style

I’m not going to claim ignorance in the human’s traditional celebration of Halloween, as no respectable and tech-savvy feline possibly would. There is just no point in feigning surprise over the bizarre customs celebrated by humans on the occasional, agreed-upon day. I’ve seen it before and I’m sure I will see it again. It is a holiday, much like Christmas, over 2,000 years old with its own colors, decorations, and strange displays of giving (in this case, candy) to others.

I could tell something was being cooked up in the female’s brain in the way of Halloween event planning for awhile now. Most recently, the cabinet containing liquor seemed to swell with anticipation. I usually abhor these human gatherings, but honestly, I was looking for a little excitement.

I helped out the female as she threw colored ribbons over pipes. She seemed a little stressed out, so I offered her a helpful claw to take some of the decorating responsibilities away from her. I was shocked at her ungracious attitude, but I suppose some people have to do everything themselves.

She fastened her rolling contraptions to her feet, just as the party was starting. With that element of danger in place, I secured my chair for the evening and settled in to be a passive observer to the human freak show that was about to begin.

alice from a cat's eyeI recognized the male by his manly stance. He was loosely dressed as the main character, Alice, but lacked the grace of a young lady and appeared to be rather demented. Then there was the gay unicorn, several card people, the Cheshire cat (who fully lacked the grace of a cat), the armed man in red pajamas, a Viking, a slave Leia (from the popular science fiction movie called Star Wars, I was informed), a beaten vintage woman, a man with a fuzzy tale attached to his suit jacket, a detective, a time-obsessed bunny, and the maker of the popular party Jewlick, Jeremy, you old so-and-so.

I watched as fake bands formed and broke up, croquet matches were started and abandoned, flamingos strangled, cucumber sandwiches consumed, and the DRINK ME sign carefully complied with.

All in all, it was a typical tea party, without much to remark on, but I do wish the female had warned me that the roses where freshly painted. I was cleaning the red out of my white until morning.

Battle

My apologies, I forgot to post this from last weekend’s lofty excursions…

above the cold food storage and beyondIt’s been strange the past few days. The male has been away, presumably vacationing in some exotic location. Even without him around to harass me, I’m still a bit tense from not knowing when he will return. I think the female could sense this uneasiness and provided me with a splattering of catnip in my afternoon sunbath to take off the edge. My nerves calmed, I am finally up to writing another entry.

I now think the male’s presence has a direct correlation with the female’s grasp on reality. Before I had drawn the conclusion that the two humans together encouraged each other’s crazy and erratic behaviors (especially in reference to furniture arrangement), but now I see that when left alone, the female has a tendency to withdraw completely from society. Is this insanity drawn to the surface when no other humans are around to condemn crazy behaviors, or is it the direct cause of loneliness?

She spent most of the time “drumming” and singing in her “band” to the applause of her fans (imaginary). I felt no desire to point out to her that these fans were nothing more than figments. As long as she feeds me and cleans the toilet box, her degree of human sanity makes little difference to me.

Late in the afternoon, however, there was some cause for alarm. She had cleaned the apartment, which means visitors. She was taking out random foods and pans to cook with, which foretold the arrival of a couple. Couples have a tendency to tote around mini humans.  Good grief! I upped my guard to a more alarming shade.

Within minutes, in strolled the mini human of a previous encounter. I had studied her moves well at our last faceoff. I was ready to deploy a throng of evasive tactics, but was at once rendered motionless with hair numbing freight as she nearly leapt out of her carriage and started running at high speeds towards me, her arms waving with destructive glee.

I could tell at once that she had been practicing her moves, perhaps she had studied with some fur pulling masters to prepare for this encounter. The female accompanying her might be a trainer of sorts. I unsheathed my weapons with a hiss. The mini human looked undaunted while the full size humans came to her side.

“Is this to be a fair fight?” I declared. They all gathered round with a vested interest. Had they been taking bets?

“I do not enterain!” I bellowed. My female swooped in to airlift me out of the arena.

I have no doubt now that if given a FAIR fight, I would have stood a chance against this bellicose little person. But obviously, this whole thing had been rigged. My female saw this and made a special place for me on top of the cat-proof cold food storage, enabling me to reach a safe height above the mini-human for recovery of my senses.