Archive for Reviews

The Feline Perspective on the iPad

Sometimes I must turn away for a moment. It's just so beautiful.

Well, I finally did it. The inevitable event has a occurred. Today I purchased my first iPad.

I’d like to present you with a completely fair and unbiased review of my new purchase, but I can’t. I’m happy to admit my limitations in this matter. Unlike most humans, I’d hate to delude myself into thinking I can be clear-minded when I am simply moonstruck my the sweet glow of my new Apple product.

It’s imbued with a fulgent technological beauty. When you touch it, it’s like being pulled into a great masterpiece of art, fully emersed within the depth of the frame, being swept away by the brushstrokes. The display is simplicity at it’s finest, perfectly in tune to the flowing feng shui underbelly of the universe.

A photoshop depiction of the iPad experience.

I am an Apple addict, or applee, as we cats call them. Apple can do no wrong and I do believe that if Apple openly stated their plans to take over the world, I would offer the full and unconditional support of my army of ninja cats without hesitation.

PROS:

  • cat friendly operating system, simple & convenient
  • an easy to use keyboard with no fur-sticking troubles
  • a screen that appears to be impervious to scratches
  • research apps to appease my random curiosities (googling curiosities is far safer than learning on the streets)
  • a plethora of great apps from nutrition to music (cat piano!)

Ninja cat army in training.

I’m not the first cat fan and I certainly won’t be the last. With over 3 million iPads sold and approximately 1 billion cats in the world, that means more feline applees wanting than having an iPad of their own. I’m thinking of starting up a One iPad per Every Thousand Cats charity group. (I’d do 1 ipad per cat, but let’s be realistic.)

In conclusion, the iPad is perfect for cats of all ages, and I think the humans will like it too.

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An Art Critique

I got a package in the mail today. No, no, it’s not a new box, but how excited I was to see this item of mail addressed in handsome handwriting to J. G. Fuzzenstein! For years I’d been living vicariously though the humans, living literally in their discarded boxes and packaging materials as though the were my own. Sure, I get plenty of junk mail, newsletters, and the usual, but never have I received a quality package for moi! On this oversized envelope lovingly cushioned in bubble paper was written “Art Work Do Not Bend.” Perhaps the posthuman thought this an ironic note or mere envelope decoration, but the damage done was minimal, and is nothing a little fine matting and framing won’t erase.

I had the female open the envelope with all the delicacy her opposable thumbs could muster. And out came the Slayer! Oh yes, dear reader, I am well acquainted with the slayer. Many a nights did the humans and I lay on the couch in insomniatic-Buffy-marathon-mode exchanging whedonesque quips with each other while eagerly losing all touch with reality. It was quite the bonding experience. In fact, if it weren’t for the shared Buffylove, I may have left them.

Coming back to the artwork, you might be asking yourself who’s handsome face that is this on the Buffy’s top? Yours truly! (also with the expression of a fearless slayer, I might add) Yes, it’s quite the masterpiece for my collection. I’d given up on my art collection after commissioning the female to do a piece. She choose for the subject a still life of Mrs. Potato Head. I don’t think too little can be said about the Mrs. Potato Head failure. But now with this Karl Moline to add the collection, I can start afresh!

Thank you Mike!

A Box for All Occasions

The humans have been making a lot of online purchases lately. If I know my reader well, you’re probably thinking that I’m going to go on a tirade about wasteful human consumerism and/or an increase in laziness while wastefully consuming. If that is what you are thinking, dear reader, you couldn’t be more mistaken. With every new online purchase comes a NEW BOX! Not all of these boxes are perfect of course, but the excitement of trying out a new box is all I ask for.

I have several boxes now to go with my varying moods. There is the shallow number that suits me perfectly in the afternoons with the sun warming up the sides. Then, there are deeper, more snug boxes, when one wants to be fully ensconced in the cardboard blanket of boxness. I have a couple variations of these boxes, some more aged and “lived in” than others.

The male has been threatening to throw them out, but if I know my humans well, their procrastination and laziness will always keep a few spare boxes around.

Filling out US Census 2010: A Feline Review

My fellow Americans, your government is counting on you to fill out your US Census Bureau forms! How exciting it is to be a part of this! At least, that was my attitude when the survey first arrived many weeks ago. The female set it on the coffee table where it remained until yesterday. Both the male and female remained somewhere between forgetting and not realizing the existence of this form.

When a second letter arrived, I couldn’t take this human procrastination any longer! I decided to fill it out for them. To my surprise, it only cares about people!

1. How many PEOPLE live in my household?

Never before have I felt so dismissed by my country. They didn’t once ask about how many cats live in the household. Is this a giant oversight or purposeful feline discrimination? However, I continued the survey with my usual perseverance. I found that with a few quick changes, I could alter the census to fit my standards. By simply marking out Person 1 and writing over it Cat 1, problem solved.

2. Were there any additional people staying in the household not included in question 1?

Heavens no! I firmly stick to the 1:2 rule. Not more than 2 people per cat.

3. Rented.

4. What is your telephone #?

I don’t care for phone calls myself, but I did enter in the female’s phone # in case there were any questions about the survey.

5. Name? Jeeves G. Fuzzenstein.

6. Sex? Female

7. Age?

My birthday is a bit of a mystery, as I am an orphan and don’t recall my own birth. I would estimate between 5 and 6 years of age. I do have an observed birthday of October 12 which I made up when I established my facebook profile.

8. Hispanic? Not to my knowledge.

9. Race?

I crossed out Person 1’s race and wrote in Cat 1’s color. I’m glad that I could check more than 1 box, as I am both black AND white.

10. Does person one sometimes live or stay somewhere else?

I can safely say no to that question. I like to think of myself as an intellectual traveler. I have no need to stay anywhere outside of my loft.

At this point, I turned the page of this lengthy survey, where I was given the opportunity to fill out sections for the male and female. I’ve always called them roommates in the past, but I think now I might start referring to them as “other nonrelatives.” That describes our relationship perfectly! I quickly filled out the other questions so I could reach the more in-depth part of the survey.

But flipping through the pages, I learned that this was the end of the survey! Don’t they care about my habits and beliefs?! How dull! I feel like I’ve just been ASL’d via snail mail by some curt stranger who has no intention of replying. Overall the US Census 2010 was quite a disappointment.

Cat Toilet Review

I would like to make a recommendation for all cats that have chosen the city life. The female has recently purchased a toilet box that is simply the human’s bellybutton of feline waste management. At first she was going to buy for me a high-tech fancy device that would do the scooping for her, but her Dutchness is obviously some kind of blocking device when it comes to spending, quite possibly an electric shock delivered to her core when she comes close to purchasing an expensive item. In the end, she went with something in the lower price range.

I scoffed at her frugality, but my initial scoff has proved unfounded. The toilet box she settled on is the Omega Paw Roll’n Clean Litter Box in a tasteful green and beige colour. Instead of scooping, the female rolls the box and it cleans itself. It’s a brilliant concept. Obviously humans don’t care for scooping, but they take great pleasure in rolling things. It doesn’t matter what kind of toilet box I have as long as its clean. But I do need to be careful, as I see the male forming ideas in his head of rolling the box with me in it.